How to Help Your Anxious Child
/Did you know that these things can make your child’s anxiety worse?
~ Reassuring them about the same thing over and over again
~ Helping them avoid things that cause anxiety
Example: Not using the word “barf” because your child says it makes them feel sick when they hear it.
Example: Driving your child to school after they become afraid to ride the bus to school
~ Trying to teach them ways to get rid of anxiety
~ Trying to repeatedly rationalize with them and argue with the anxiety
~ Adjusting your own life and schedule to help them feel not anxious
~ Ignoring your child’s anxiety as a way to practice “tough love”
I wish all parents of kids with anxiety knew this! It’s totally normal to try these things - especially when you feel desperate and nothing is working to help your child.
What I help parents with though - is teaching them how to support their child in actually feeling anxiety. Not avoiding it. Learning how to be with hard feelings and make brave choices anyway. And then helping their child learn regulation skills to keep making those scary choices.
One way to do that when your child is anxious: Make a statement validating the fear AND also name your belief in your child.
Example: I know that the school bus sounds scary. And i know you can do it. 💙
It’s important that it's said with empathy - not in mockery and also not “tough love.” As “tough love” can be another way to actually increase the anxiety your child feels.
Then take a breath and move your body. Let your child feel your own regulated nervous system.
Keep in mind… everyone grows at the intersection of support and challenge. If a child is overly challenged, they may flood or shut down. But if a child is overly supported, they can become dependent and the anxiety can grow.
SUPPORT: You can give support by using the above statement and also by helping your child regulate through their big feelings.
Kids (and adults!) learn to regulate their emotions through an experience of being held by a regulated adult. Just like you may have rocked your child as a baby when they cried, and let them feel your heartbeat and sync up to your breath until they eventually stopped crying… your child may need you to metaphorically “rock” them now too. You can do this by breathing for the both of you when they become anxious, rocking your body to release trapped energy, shaking your hands, or sighing loudly. They can feel this energy release and feel that you are helping move the collective energy.
In fact, when YOU take a deep breath, move your body, or name your feelings… it can actually register in your child’s brain as though they are the one doing it. (Mirror neurons!) This is how you can energetically “rock” them… and help them regulate through big feelings.
You can do all of this without telling your child to take a breath or shake their hands or move their own body. (As you may already know, being told to take a deep breath or move your body or name your feelings… usually doesn’t feel good - for adults or kids.)
Remember the Purpose of Regulation: The purpose of regulation is not to calm down. Its not to get rid of the anxiety. The purpose of regulation - is to connect to self. To widen one’s tolerance to feel hard feelings - including anxiety.
Your child can borrow your energy, learn to breath and regulate - all without being told what to do.
They can learn that when they face scary things - even if they feel - they are stronger than they realized.
Special Cases: There are of course many cases where there are considerations to take into account. For example, various types of neuro-divergence may require particular accommodations. Or children with intense anxieties or OCD may require professional support like therapy or parent coaching. Each child and family are unique and require empathy, understanding, and an accurate assessment of the challenge. This blog is meant to speak generically to parents raising kids with anxiety… but I always encourage parents to listen to their own intuition and modify things to fit you and your family.